How To Be an Empowering Thought Partner
By Donna Zajonc with David EmeraldI used to cringe when someone would say to me, “I’d like to give you some feedback.” My gut would tighten, and I would armor up, preparing to defend myself. I assumed, in those days,…
By Donna Zajonc with David EmeraldI used to cringe when someone would say to me, “I’d like to give you some feedback.” My gut would tighten, and I would armor up, preparing to defend myself. I assumed, in those days, that feedback meant criticism, or at least I took it as criticism whether it was meant that way or not.
All that changed when a colleague asked me to be her “thought partner.” At the time, I wasn’t sure what she meant, so I asked her to describe what she wanted of me. She said:“I don’t want you to tell me what to do or what you think is wrong with my ideas or approach. My ideal thought partner is someone who helps me think about the way I am thinking. I want you to reflect back to me when you hear gaps in my thinking or where I have made assumptions that may block what I want to create.”As she spoke, I realized what she was asking for wasn’t the traditional feedback that I feared. She continued,“I want a partner who will help challenge me to see in new ways. I want someone who will be direct and honest without judgment—who listens with an open heart and, equally important, will tell me the truth as they see it.”With her explanation I asked her to do the same with me. With our new commitment to support one another as thought partners, I soon realized the qualities of a great thought partner are those found in TED* (The Empowerment Dynamic)® roles of Creator, Challenger, and Coach.
My early view of feedback was from a problem-focused mindset, which landed me squarely in the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer. I assumed the comments were critical so, to protect myself, I labeled the person giving the feedback as a Persecutor. Feeling hurt by the Persecutor, I quickly slipped into the Victim role, telling myself:“Poor me. My colleague is being unfair, and I am powerless to deal with someone who is unfair.”Feeling like a Victim I looked for a Rescuer. It might have been someone else who would finish the project for me, or I’d comply and make the changes to keep the peace.
My friend showed me that an empowering thought partner is based on an entirely different mindset. She asked for support and feedback from her own sense of wholeness and empowered self. She also understood that thinking about how she thinks is essential to innovation and creating something new or different.
Because the human mind often gets stuck in its own circular thinking, a thought partner often sees what we cannot. A TED* thought partner honors the Creator essence in both the giver and receiver and learns to be a Challenger who is a “truth-teller” without blame or judgment. The Coach is skilled in asking questions that evoke reflective thinking and always leaves the power to choose with the other person.
Here are a few questions that you might use as a thought partner:
- What inspires you most about this issue?
- What is emerging or getting clearer for you as we talk?
- What are you struggling most with? (Hint: Where they are struggling is often a door to what they most want to create. When they open that door, listen deeply and stay with them, even if they deflect or want to change the subject.)
- What is the most powerful question I could ask you, that you don’t want me to ask?
By being a thought partner, you empower others to tap into their own creativity and wisdom, aligned with their values and goals.
Until next time, here’s to the Creator in you.Donna