The Key to Nurturing Lasting Relationships
By Donna Zajonc with David EmeraldPeople are wired to connect and have a natural desire to be in positive relationships. But relationships are not always easy. Our focus here, at the Center for The Empowerment Dynamic ,…
By Donna Zajonc with David EmeraldPeople are wired to connect and have a natural desire to be in positive relationships. But relationships are not always easy. Our focus here, at the Center for The Empowerment Dynamic, is to share ways to create and sustain positive relationships.
I recently had a conversation with someone whom I have known for many years and who has become a close friend. During our conversation, she reminded me of an incident that happened a long time ago—something that I had said that hurt her feelings. She told me she didn’t remember the details of why her feelings were hurt but only remembered how I responded when she sent me an email telling me about how she was feeling.
She said:“After I wrote you an email about what you said and how I felt, you picked up the phone and called me, which was totally unexpected since it wasn’t our usual time to talk. What I’ve never forgotten is your genuine desire to listen and repair the misunderstanding. I let go of the hurt and it didn’t stay with me because the relationship was repaired. From that experience I learned the best way to build lasting and trusting relationships is to ‘repair, repair, repair.’”In her email she became a Challenger to me, clearly communicating that something I had said landed as a Persecutor to her. I also remember that I did not call her as a Rescuer, whose purpose would have been to stop her hurt feelings, which of course, I had no power to do. Rather, my intention was to listen and understand.
If an argument or misunderstanding happens, a genuine desire to repair the relationship is essential. It requires moving past determining who is to blame or the need to be right.
There are times when a relationship is toxic, and it is best to move on and focus on relationships that nurture your soul. But that was not the case in this situation. The focus was for me to take responsibility for something that I had said, listen, and understand her experience. I recall now that, after she shared her experience, I clearly could have been more skillful in the way I communicated.
But here’s the thing. No matter how much you want to repair a hurt, you cannot guarantee how your desire to repair will be received by the other. All you can do is approach the repair with clear intention and authentic desire to listen and own your part.
Before approaching someone, if I feel tension or if there’s been a misunderstanding, there are two questions I ask myself:Is my intent to repair genuine, or do I feel I “should” repair? This question requires radical honesty. Sometimes I want the appearance of a repair, rather than a genuine desire. If so, I’ve learned to reflect upon my motivations and not go forward until I can sincerely listen to understand.
What was my contribution to the breakdown? If my desire to repair is authentic, it is much easier to take responsibility for my role in the disagreement.
Reconciliation is smoother when people focus less on who is right and embrace the desire to repair, repair, repair. By repairing, you can choose to refocus on the relationship as co-Creators. With this repair practice, relationship breakdowns, whether at work or home, are an opportunity to heal and sow the seeds for an even longer and more positive relationship.
If creating positive relationships is a topic you would like me to write more about, like this post. Thank you!
Until next time, here’s to the Creator in you.
Donna