How to Connect Beyond Words
As a professional coach for almost 25 years, I (Donna) deeply value the gift of listening—not to just the words spoken, but to the underlying emotions, aspirations, and unspoken thoughts with whom I wish to connect. This…
As a professional coach for almost 25 years, I (Donna) deeply value the gift of listening—not to just the words spoken, but to the underlying emotions, aspirations, and unspoken thoughts with whom I wish to connect. This is what I call Level 3 Listening that I wrote about in my book, Who Do You Want to Be on the Way to What You Want.
Listening is a skill that can transform conversations, allowing the speaker to feel seen, heard, and valued in ways that can unlock new possibilities. When you listen in this way, you aren’t focused on formulating responses or offering advice. Instead, you create a space of curiosity and exploration, helping the other person deepen their understanding of the situation or idea they are sharing.
A recent experience brought the power of Level 3 Listening into sharp focus for me. I was working on a new project and was incredibly excited about it and bursting with enthusiasm to share my ideas. I sat down with a co-worker, eager to discuss my vision and receive feedback. As I began to talk, I quickly realized my co-worker wasn’t really listening.
Rather than absorbing what I was saying, they kept interjecting their thoughts about how I should proceed. Each time I tried to explain my approach or share something that excited me, they cut in and offered advice. Soon my excitement started to fade. Instead of feeling encouraged, I felt stifled.
It wasn’t that their suggestions were bad. In fact, some of them were quite good. But because they weren’t listening deeply—because they were more focused on their own ideas—I began to shut down. It felt my perspective was being crowded out and my project, which had been a source of inspiration, started to feel more like a chore.
This is what happens when you approach conversations from the problem-focused mindset. It will quickly tee up the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). My co-worker, in their desire to “help,” jumped straight into the problem-solving Rescuer role, assuming I and my project needed fixing. I felt like a Victim and my ideas didn’t matter. The result? I became hesitant to share my project with others, no longer trusting that I would be heard.
A few days later, another colleague asked me about my project. At first, I was hesitant to open up again, bracing myself for more unsolicited advice. But instead of jumping in with their thoughts, they made a simple, open-ended statement: “That sounds interesting. Tell me more about how you would do that.”It was a game-changer. That statement, paired with the patient way they waited for my response, gave me the space to explore my ideas. It wasn’t just that they were being polite. I could feel they were genuinely curious about what I had to say.
This is Level 3 Listening in action—listening with full presence, with the intention of understanding, and without the need to fix or respond. As I shared more about my project, I felt my excitement return. I felt seen. I felt valued. And the more I shared, the more clarity I gained about the next steps I wanted to take.
The next time you find yourself in a conversation, ask yourself: am I truly listening? Or am I already crafting my response? Am I focused on solving their problem, or am I curious about what they will discover if I simply hold the space for them to explore?
When you embrace Level 3 Listening, you open the door to deeper connections, greater creativity, and a shared sense of empowerment.