Escaping the Cycle of Seeking Validation
Escaping the cycle of validation is deeply rooted in the Rescuer role of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). If Rescuer is your “go to” role in the DDT, being helpful and pleasing to others may be your primary…
Escaping the cycle of validation is deeply rooted in the Rescuer role of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). If Rescuer is your “go to” role in the DDT, being helpful and pleasing to others may be your primary self-identity. If so, your focus is usually on the needs of others, rather than your own needs, which can cause you to neglect your legitimate desires and responsibilities.
By being overly focused on seeking validation from others, you may tell yourself that you are just being kind and caring, which is true. However, underneath, there is likely a big part of you that feels worthy only if you have the approval of others.
This way of relating to others may discourage them from taking responsibility for their own needs because they know you will be there ready to help them at a moment’s notice.
If you identify with this cycle, you may already know the negative effects of constantly seeking validation. Here are a few:
- You focus so much on what other people think and do that you lose touch with your own needs.
- You may think you are helping, but others may see your helping as intrusive or even see you as a Persecutor.
- You eventually feel like a Victim when you try so hard, but the positive feedback you receive is never enough validation of your worth.
- Others sense that you are trying to get their approval, so you rarely get honest feedback that could support your growth.
It isn’t easy to face the truth about how much you seek validation, because you have a genuine desire to be helpful and supportive of others. You say to yourself: “I am a helper, and this is who I am.”Shifting into TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)® offers more empowering ways to relate to yourself and life. This journey is a multidimensional process. It requires that you first notice the patterns and stories that have kept you in a reactive, fear-based state.
Becoming aware of this cycle is the first step, which is easier said than done. How do you self-observe a pattern that most likely started in early childhood when you made decisions about how to relate to life? That’s where the TED* framework is so useful because it names the truth of who you really are. You are a Creator, imbued with the goodness of the universe. There’s nothing you need to do or be. You only need to claim this truth of your existence.
You can now trust and understand that, as a Creator, you can escape the cycle of constantly seeking validation from others. Here are a few steps to support your journey:
- Learn to ask for help or support. Asking others to support you pauses the cycle of validation and helps you become more aware of your own needs and desires.
- Enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Moving your attention to what you enjoy and what gives you pleasure helps redirect your attention to yourself—not in a selfish way, but through simple human pleasures of daily life. This helps interrupt focusing on others and pining for their approval.
- Hold silence and pause before you pipe up and help. Give other people time to gain insight into their needs and responsibilities. Resting in silence redirects your focus and preoccupation with approval from others.
When you let go of the illusion that pleasing others will fulfill the validation you seek, you are on a new path toward taking care of yourself and what is yours to do.