More Listening, Less Fixing and Controlling
How are you Listening? Are you a good listener? Or are you sometimes eager to speak and slow to listen? According to a recent business survey, even though people are frequently texting and checking email when talking…
How are you Listening?
Are you a good listener? Or are you sometimes eager to speak and slow to listen?
According to a recent business survey, even though people are frequently texting and checking email when talking with others, a majority feel they are still good listeners.
People say they are good listeners, but don’t feel others listen to them!Consider these questions about your own listening:
- Do you pretend to listen, waiting for the moment you can jump in and make a point?
- Do you redirect the conversation back to yourself?
- Do you predict what others will say, justifying your interruptions?
- Do you listen with assessment, deciding whether what is said is right or wrong and whether you agree or disagree?
These are indicators of what I call Level 1 Listening. I refer to it as “listening to be right” because you’re often listening for what’s wrong with what is being said, eager to share your point of view.
When communication centers on you—your opinions, your judgments—it quickly becomes about comparing who or what is “right.” If you decide the other person is wrong, you may feel a rush to correct them. This pattern, however, isn’t authentic communication. Instead, it fuels the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT), keeping us stuck in the roles of Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer.
Relating to others as Creators and stepping into the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) roles of Creator, Challenger, and Coach, require an upgrade to Level 2 and Level 3 Listening. At these levels, your focus shifts away from the “story of me” toward the other person. This kind of listening naturally deepens connection and partnership so that you become eager to listen. (In my book, I describe how to coach leaders to become better listeners— Link Here.)Level 2 Listening: Listening for Possibility
- Your attention is on the other person.
- Attachments or judgments are reduced.
- You become curious and open to new perspectives.
- Trust and collaboration take root.
Level 3 Listening: Listening for Innovation and Creativity
- You tune in to your intuition and sense of what is said—or left unsaid.
- You notice body language and the energy in the room.
- You trust and honor diversity of styles and cultures.
- Empowerment and creativity flourish.
Take a moment to remember a time when you felt deeply listened to. My hunch is you didn’t worry about being judged or filter your thoughts. Instead, you felt free to sort things out for yourself and clarify what mattered most to you—as a Creator.
I recall coaching a leader whose calendar was so full of meetings that he admitted, “I don’t have time to listen. I need to get things done.” Later, he confided, “I’m realizing I’m not really hearing people. I’m so busy thinking about what I’ll say next and how to wrap things up that I miss what’s actually being said.” Together we worked on shifting his focus from “What should I say?” to “What does this person need me to hear?”One afternoon, he tried this approach with a colleague who was clearly distressed. Instead of jumping in with fixes, he paused and asked, “What’s really going on for you?” He noticed the tone of their voice, the pauses, even the unspoken emotions.
As the colleague opened up, he reported that he simply listened and became more curious about his co-worker. He asked gentle, open-ended questions like, “What do you think is at the heart of this?” or “How does that feel for you?” He resisted the urge to advise or shift the focus back to himself. Later, his colleague said how meaningful it was to feel truly heard, not judged or dismissed.
A simple practice that can support this shift comes from 12-step wisdom: the acronym W.
A.
I.
T.—Why Am I Talking? When you notice the impulse to fix or redirect, pause and ask yourself this question. That moment of reflection allows you to refocus on the other person and listen at the deeper Level 2 and 3.
For me the hardest part of listening deeply is when I feel they aren’t listening to me. Here’s the truth I’ve learned -- I cannot control how others listen to me. What I can do is to listen deeply to others. I’m not always a great listener, of course, and yet it is one of the desired outcomes that matter a great deal to me.
The leader I was coaching told me that improving how he listened transformed his relationships and who he was as a leader. He realized he couldn’t afford not to listen and connect to his team, family and friends.
Over the next week, I invite you to observe your own speaking and listening patterns. As your awareness grows, you’ll find yourself able to choose deeper listening—and with it, more authentic connections.