How to be a Compassionate Challenger

TED* Team · February 28, 2025

By Donna Zajonc with David Emerald

I recently facilitated a one-hour workshop to introduce the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) and TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^® frameworks to a small group. After a brief explanation, I asked if anyone had a question before I continued. Immediately one person spoke up and dove into a lengthy commentary. As she got revved up, it was clear her story was not going to end anytime soon, so I politely asked her to complete her thoughts so that others could share.

After the workshop I reflected upon how to compassionately challenge someone­—even interrupt them—so that I can communicate with courageous authenticity and remain grounded in my values and purpose. This desire is especially important when people have a lot to say or are strongly opinionated.

In the recent workshop, it was my role as the facilitator to keep the meeting flowing. But what happens when someone is dominating the conversation? How do you speak up and compassionately interrupt?

This is when the Challenger role in TED* is so useful. The Challenger is someone who pushes others to grow and inspires change but does so in a constructive and supportive way. Instead of criticizing or attacking, like a Persecutor in the DDT, the Challenger encourages learning and accountability.

Interrupting someone mid-conversation can feel uncomfortable. However, in many situations such as meetings, heated discussions, or long-winded conversations, interrupting may be necessary.

Over the years of teaching the TED* framework I have focused on learning how to be a more skillful Challenger. For me, when someone is dominating the conversation, it is essential to pause and reflect upon my intention to challenge them. During this pause, I can think about that intention so that I respond from a Creator orientation rather than seeing them as wrong or a problem to fix.

About this time, you might be saying to yourself, “The reason I want to interrupt is because I get sick of what is being said, and I vehemently disagree.”This is the time to get honest with yourself about your intention. Is it to assert your counterpoint and convince them you are right and they are wrong? Or is it to stay engaged, be a Challenger, and add information in a way that can increase the chance of a constructive conversation. This approach makes the interruption feel inclusive rather than competitive.

Here are a few things to consider before you compassionately challenge:

• Will a constructive interruption allow you to steer a conversation in a productive direction while still showing respect for the person who is sharing?
• Is the challenge even necessary? In the recent situation, I had a room full of people and only one hour, so I quickly concluded it was appropriate. Other times your intention may be to listen and to understand rather than to interrupt.
• Are others being prevented from contributing?
• Has the conversation deviated from the focus of the topic and lacks clarity or purpose?

Challenging doesn’t have to be rude or disruptive. When your interruption is done with genuine care and mindfulness—not filled with blame and judgment—there is a greater chance that others will receive your message with a desire to listen.

Here are some phrases that you may use to start thinking about challenging compassionately:

• I clearly see your enthusiasm. Let’s bring the focus back to the topic at hand.
• I appreciate hearing your comments. Let’s hear from some others.
• I hear that you feel strongly about (blank). I see it a bit differently and want to share my viewpoint.

I have learned that a well-intentioned interruption can result in gaining awareness that provides an opportunity for personal growth. As you embrace your Challenger role with compassion, I think you will begin to see how useful and affirming it can be.

Until next time, here’s to the Creator (and Challenger) in you.Donna