Recognizing the Subtle Nature of Victim Thinking
By Donna Zajonc with David Emerald Having studied and applied the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) in my coaching business for many years, I am very familiar with the Victim role. I recently had an experience that brought me…
By Donna Zajonc with David Emerald
Having studied and applied the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) in my coaching business for many years, I am very familiar with the Victim role. I recently had an experience that brought me a new awareness of how the subtle nature of Victim thinking can creep into my consciousness. Here’s what happened.
I was traveling with a friend over a long weekend. We arrived at the airport for our return flight home and checked our bags assuming our brief flight was on time. Upon arriving at the gate, we discovered our flight had been delayed by several hours. Assuming this was a short flight, I had packed my phone charger in my checked bag.
On the bus ride to the airport I listened to an audio book, checked the news, and watched YouTube videos, all of which used considerable battery life. At the gate, waiting several hours for news of our delayed flight, I grew concerned I would not have my phone to communicate with family about delayed travel plans.
My friend then said, “I know we have different brands of phones, but you might try my charger anyway.” I responded with a pouty, victimy voice, “No, your charger won’t work on my phone,” I declared. “They operate on two different systems.”“Okay,” she said, “but you might try it.” With encouragement, I took her charger and plugged it into a nearby airport outlet, thoroughly convinced it wouldn’t work. My hand was on the cord ready to pull it from the outlet when a menu popped up on my phone: “Your Phone is Charging.” I stood there thoroughly embarrassed (but happy the charger was working).
It was in those few minutes while my phone was charging that I realized how the subtle nature of my Victim mindset had taken me over. I was blaming the airline for the delayed flight and blaming myself for stupidly packing my charger in my checked bag. I was full of complaints and felt powerless.
The lesson for me, in retrospect, is how my subtle Victim thinking can create an invisible cage built from my past experiences, fears, and limiting beliefs, all while not realizing it is happening!
Since then, I have thought more deeply about the characteristics of Victim thinking. Here are a few:
- Rationalizing why things can’t change, instead of experimenting with what can be done.
- Blaming others and external circumstances.
- Convincing oneself that something is impractical or unrealistic prevents one from seeing more viable options.
- Holding on to past wrongs and being unforgiving as proof that the world is unfair.
- Learned helplessness and beliefs that personal efforts won’t make a difference, so why try.
Before this episode with the phone, I would say the above traits rarely described me. I pride myself in being a Creator and living from the wholeness that TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)® offers. A relatively small event, in relationship to the scheme of life’s many challenges, helped me to realize how the subtle nature of my Victim thinking is very real. In this case, the first and second characteristics—rationalizing and blaming—were very much alive.
Even when life presents us with new opportunities, we often stick to the familiar, unable to recognize new possibilities. Victim thinking can be difficult to recognize because it often can operate beneath the surface of our attention, influencing our thinking and choices. Becoming aware of it is the first step to shifting toward an empowered mindset, where the focus is placed on solutions rather than on limitations.
Until next time, here’s to the Creator in you!Donna