How Complaining Can Uncover What Truly Matters
By Donna Zajonc with David Emerald In my last blog I wrote about how the subtle nature of Victim thinking can creep into my consciousness. I told a personal story about feeling like a Victim to travel delays and blaming…
By Donna Zajonc with David Emerald
In my last blog I wrote about how the subtle nature of Victim thinking can creep into my consciousness. I told a personal story about feeling like a Victim to travel delays and blaming myself for packing my phone charger in my checked bag and worrying that my phone battery would die. I was full of complaints and felt powerless.
With that experience I became more aware of how my Victim thinking can be difficult to recognize because it often operates beneath the surface of my attention, influencing how I think and the choices I make.
Looking back on that story I recognized that, when I complain, it is a clear sign that I am thinking like a Victim. But then the epiphany appeared…Could it be that, while complaining is a trait of Victim thinking, might it also be showing me something that matters to me?
Think about it. I don’t complain about things I don’t care about. If I am complaining, it is because I care about something. Hence, there is often a hidden desire beneath the complaint.
For years I believed the shift from Victim to Creator—the foundational role in TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)®—was to stay positive even when I was complaining. Truthfully, sometimes it felt inauthentic to force myself to think positively which actually caused more self-criticism. I was dismissing my emotions and denying the truth of my situation.
Feelings must be acknowledged and accepted when in Victim thinking. I’ve learned that I cannot deny them, or I will become even more trapped. I have also learned not to try to convince myself that whatever I am feeling does not exist. It does.I have realized that it is okay to start with what I don’t want and allow myself to consciously complain. It’s okay to embrace with clarity when I don’t like something. It is new for me to honor my complaints and to discover my underlying desires.
If my experience speaks to you, be aware that if you get caught up in complaining as an unconscious habit it will impact other relationships. It’s beyond annoying to be around someone who is constantly complaining and who doesn’t recognize or take responsibility for their underlying needs. If this happens, you might ask yourself:
- What is this complaint showing me that I care about?
- What do I want that has evoked this complaint?
- What purpose does this complaint serve?
These questions will help you flip your focus from what you don’t like or don’t want to what matters to you. They will help you interrupt a habit that may have you trapped in an unconscious pattern of complaining.
Complaining, when done consciously and constructively, can be a powerful tool for self-awareness and clarity. Complaints can be stepping stones to reveal what matters to you.
Creating the life you want requires commitment and responsibility. Noticing your complaints and then inquiring with curiosity about what is behind them can lead you toward new insights. This is the powerful and all-important shift from Victim to Creator!
While it sounds contradictory, I no longer resist my complaints or Victim thinking. In this way I can discover and embrace my Creator essence. They paradoxically provide an opportunity for deeper understanding. I am realizing that each experience carries with it possibilities to learn and grow.
Until next time, here’s to the Creator in you!DonnaP.
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