The Stranglehold of Our Attachments

TED* Team · January 23, 2026

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By Donna ZajoncLast summer, in a painful experience, I learned the strangling power of attachments.

The epiphany came as I walked in the back door of my home, groceries in hand. I suddenly stopped. I was emotionally exhausted and simmering with anger. I paused and asked myself, “Why am I so riled up? Why am I so upset?”In what felt like a flash of lightning, I saw it. I was furious at the legal process surrounding David’s sudden death. I was trying to control it. I was deeply attached to getting his estate wrapped up within a certain timeframe and with a very specific outcome. I had silently concluded how things should go—despite lawyers moving slowly, offering interpretations I didn’t agree with, and reminding me, again and again, that this process was not mine to command.

In that moment the truth landed hard: I was so attached to a certain outcome that I had put all my time, focus and energy into having it turn out the way I wanted. The words actually came to me in that format. “I have strangled myself by my own attachments.”I was fortunate that day because I had the luxury of calling a friend and saying, “I’m coming over.” And in that same moment, I made a quiet but powerful agreement with myself: to stop. Stop calling the lawyers. Stop trying to figure out everything. Stop pushing.

I wanted out of the grip I had created. And the only way out was to let go, something that is not always easy for me emotionally even though I know intellectually it is the way out of attachments. As I often do, I took that experience to reflect more deeply about attachments.

It is ironic because David often spoke about the difference between attachment, detached and nonattached, a distinction he learned from a friend who has been a longtime practicing Buddhist.

He described being attached to something as when I must have it my way, or said another way a “win-lose” mindset. Detachment is the opposite and has the quality of “I don’t care” or the cliché “whatever.”Nonattachment, on the other hand, allows us to both care about what we have (without being attached) and allow what arises to emerge trusting in the process. We experience what we experience and show gratitude for whatever we have. This delicate balance is a life-long journey. We remind ourselves each day that learning nonattachment puts us on the path of personal freedom.

Well, I thought I had learned that distinction and lesson. In that moment on the steps, I could hear how my attachments were running my inner dialogue. It sounded like urgency. “This has to work.” It can also sound righteous. “They need to understand this unique situation.” Other times it showed up as bargaining: “I’ll be okay once this is resolved but sooner rather than later.” From a Creator perspective, attachment subtly pulls us away from our Creator essence. Instead of standing in choice, curiosity, and response-ability, we slip into reactivity as I did, tying myself up in another emotional knot. The outcome starts to matter more than our alignment. We stop noticing ourselves.

When attachment tightens, as it did for me, we begin to relate to life as if something essential is at risk. Our field of vision shrinks. We move into urgency, control, or collapse. We may look composed on the outside, but inside we’re no longer anchored.

We may feel like a Victim by not having the perfect situation we want and look for the Rescuer to help us feel comfortable and secure. Or maybe we feel Persecuted by whatever we have identified as the problem that is causing us this pain. Each of us creates our own unique drama roles depending on how we relate to our attachments.

The paradox is this: the more attached we are to an outcome, the less creative, flexible, and effective we become. Attachment narrows possibilities.

What strikes me is that all three of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) roles share the same core pattern: an attachment to identity rather than essence. An attachment to fear-based self-protection. None of these roles are about love. They are strategies—often learned long ago—to feel safe in an uncertain world.

From The Empowerment Dynamic® — TED* perspective, transformation doesn’t come from fighting these roles. It comes from loosening the attachments that keep them in place.

As attachment softens, something else becomes possible. The Victim begins to experience choice. The Rescuer learns to support without control. The Persecutor discovers how to tell the truth without attack. The DDT dissolves not because we eliminate the roles, but because we no longer need them.

For me, that moment on the back steps was an invitation to return to myself and my Creator essence. Back to the simple, grounding truth that I could care deeply without clinging—and participate fully in legal process without strangling myself. I am happy to report the legal issues have been resolved and I am grateful to David for the gifts he shared with the world.

Until next time, here’s to the Creator in you.

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