Stop Condemning Yourself
One of the most painful habits many of us carry is self-condemnation. If we notice someone’s glaring glance or sharp tone, we might respond with a defensive comment—and then, within seconds, turn…
One of the most painful habits many of us carry is self-condemnation. If we notice someone’s glaring glance or sharp tone, we might respond with a defensive comment—and then, within seconds, turn against ourselves. We become the inner Persecutor, judging, blaming, and shaming ourselves for something we said or did. The ways we can condemn ourselves are endless.
But there is another strategy of the ego personality that is just as limiting. If one aspect is self-condemnation, the other is the self-protective pattern of denying our role in the situation. We minimize or justify our response. “He was rude or inappropriate, so my terse response was justified,” we might say. We explain away our patterns and pretend we are not reactive or controlling.
The main reason I am writing about this is because I’ve seen these patterns in myself. They are two sides to the same coin, serving the same purpose: self-protection.
The condemning voice says, “There is something wrong with me,” while the denying voice says, “I am justified in protecting myself.” There are certainly times when we need to protect ourselves, but rarely have I found that these strategies lead to a better connection—with others or with myself.
Neither helps me become more conscious or aware, and neither helps me grow or expand my capacity to be with uncomfortable feelings or situations. Neither brings me closer to experiencing my Creator essence or seeing others as Creators.
The Drama Triangle gives us a powerful map for understanding these inner dynamics. Many people think of the Drama Triangle as something that happens only between you and others or external events, but it also lives within you.
It maps how you relate to you!
You can become the Victim of your own discouragement, the Persecutor of your own imperfections, and the Rescuer of your own uncomfortable feelings. This inner Drama Triangle can spin through all three roles very quickly.
The Empowerment Dynamic®—TED*—offers us another way.
Instead of falling into condemnation, we can shift into the Creator stance. A Creator tells the truth with compassion. A Creator understands that awareness is not punishment.
This is such an important shift.
I am learning that I do not need to make a problem out of being uncomfortable with a situation, or what someone said, or what I don’t like. When I make a problem out of something, it almost always leads to judgment and making others wrong. And if I am honest with myself, self-condemnation is often the harshest judgment of all.
I am learning to take a soft pause. To simply pause and say, “Ah, there it is. That familiar pattern. That old fear. That protective strategy. I see you.”
I emphasize a soft pause because it allows me to rest in the moment, rather than immediately engaging my mind to figure something out. Truly, simply, softly—pause.
A soft pause becomes an antidote to condemnation and shame. It is honest, yet gentle. It makes room for something many of us long for and rarely offer ourselves: self-kindness and self-compassion.
This soft pause loosens the grip of the ego personality and creates space for a lighter view of what’s happening. And in that space, something new becomes possible.
Instead of Victim thinking, you can remember who you are as a Creator, focusing on what you want now. Instead of Persecuting yourself, you can become your own Challenger by telling yourself the truth with courage and care. Instead of Rescuing yourself through excuses or denial, you can become your own Coach by getting curious and compassionate.
Transformation begins when we stop scoring and condemning our patterns and simply learn to see them. When you take a soft pause, you create room to stop identifying with your patterns and start relating to them with awareness.
The more aware I become, the more I notice my reactive behavior which often leads to self-condemnation. My desired outcome is not to be triggered or self-critical. My desire is to be someone who can see my reactive patterns with enough awareness, truth, and compassion to choose again more skillfully.
And that is one of the extraordinary gifts TED* offers: the ability to grow in self-awareness without condemnation and recognize our true nature as infinite goodness, and the Creators we are.
Until next time, here’s to the Creator in you.
Donna
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