Reframing Self-Criticism

The way you frame your thoughts and the words you say to yourself play a critical role in shaping your life experiences. When you get stuck in a cycle of negative self-talk and criticism, you have the choice to reframe it.

Reframing is a powerful tool that can shift your mindset from a problem-focused view, which often leads us into the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer, to an outcome-oriented Creator stance that is foundational in TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)®.

One useful reframe is the common self-criticism many people have about their personal health and weight. Here’s an example of a problem-focused goal statement that helped me (Donna) to identify my negative self-talk about my body and weight. “It’s time to lose 20 pounds,” I said to myself while out walking one spring day.

As soon as I heard that statement, I felt a rise in anxiety and apprehension grip my heart. Almost immediately I heard another part say, “Why do that? You will just gain it back again.” I felt like both a Victim and Persecutor in the same moment in my relationship to myself!

This personal example set me on a course to learn how to reframe from what appears to be appropriate goal statements (lose 20 pounds) but are anxiety-producing problem statements in disguise.

During the walk and noticing my negative self-talk, I reflected on my internal DDT patterns. I paused and asked myself what I wanted. In my weight example, my real fear was failure. Once I realized how my inner Persecutor was shielding me from failure by not even trying to lose weight, I was able to embrace that worry and brought that part of me onboard.

Here’s an example of reframing my old language around the weight loss to a new empowering outcome statement:“I have a part of me that doesn’t want to fail and says it’s best to not even try and to play it safe. I hear you, thank you, and I let go of that worry. I am healthy and strong and committed to optimum health as I age. I love and appreciate my body.”This reframing statement focuses on what I want, not what I don’t want. By stating "I am focused on creating optimal health," I align myself with a desired outcome that really matters to me—optimal health—rather than on the negative aspect of my internal DDT dialogue.

Reframing is more than merely changing a sentence; it’s about changing your thought patterns.

Here are some practical steps to begin effectively applying the skill of reframing:

• Identify the Negative Self-Talk: Notice your self-criticizing or negative internal dialogue. Catch yourself and acknowledge that this is a pattern you wish to change.
• Pause and Reflect: Before you reframe, pause to consider what you truly desire. In my case, it was optimum health as I age more than specifically losing weight. That shift in focus made possible a powerful new reframe.
• Words Really Matter: Use words and phrases that are naturally your own. They must be unique phrases and statements that you choose, not what you think other people want you to choose. Otherwise, your new reframe statement will be inauthentic and will not carry the power to inspire and motivate you.
• Repeat and Practice: Reframing requires practice. Repeat your newly reframed focus often— put it on a sticky note, or somewhere visible so you see it frequently. Restate it several times a day, especially before and during challenging situations.

During moments of self-doubt or worry, there’s an opportunity to turn the situation around—to reframe—and unlock a more vibrant and energized approach to life’s challenges.