Stop Focusing on Problems. Here’s a Better Approach

TED* Team · February 14, 2025

By Donna Zajonc with David Emerald

When you pause and ask yourself what you want, you clarify the outcome you really care about and begin walking the path of a Creator, the foundational role in TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^®.

The Coach role in TED* is the curious and supportive part of us that asks questions and partners with others to clarify and hone the desired outcome(s).

As a professional coach for almost 25 years, it has been my experience that most people start a coaching engagement talking about what they don’t want. This problem-focused mindset requires that I resist getting involved in fixing their problems and instead help them to clarify the outcomes they really want. You don’t need to be a professional coach to support others, and yourself, to feel the power of being more outcome oriented.

Here is an example of a conversation between two friends where one friend uses “coach-like” language to support her friend to become more outcome oriented.

Friend: “I want my partner to stop being distracted and not paying attention to me when I am speaking.”Coach friend: “If your partner wasn’t distracted, what would you want instead? What’s possible?”Friend: “I want my partner to stop looking at their phone when I am trying to share something.”(Her friend continues to listen deeply and avoids getting drawn into the complaint, then asks):Coach friend: “I hear what you don’t want. You don’t want your partner to look at their phone while you are sharing. So, what do you really want?”(After a long pause)Friend: “I want to feel listened to and valued.”

Do you hear her stirring declaration when she dropped her focus on what she didn’t want? Her focus shifted from insisting that her partner put their phone down (which would probably trigger more conflict) to a clear outcome and request.

Here’s a second example of how to listen and be more coach-like and support another to be more outcome focused. This conversation starts with a complaint from a co-worker about his boss and their 1-on-1 weekly meetings.

First co-worker: “How did your meeting go? You look a little flustered.”Second co-worker: “It went the way it always goes. We only talk about things on my boss’s list and never talk about what is on my list of priorities.”First co-worker: “Given the situation, what do you want?”Second co-worker: “I don’t want to feel so uninspired when I leave the meetings.”First co-worker: “How would you like the conversation to go?”Second co-worker: “I don’t want to only talk about what is on my boss’s list, 80% of which I agree with, but I don’t want to leave out the things I care about.”First Co-worker: “I continue to hear what you don’t want. What is it that you do want?”Second co-worker: “I want to take responsibility for the agenda in the 1-on-1 meetings. I am going to make that request.”

Each conversation began with a problem-focused complaint that focused on what they didn’t want. And, initially, they were not clear about their desire or the responsibility they would take to make a request that aligns with the outcome they want.

The coach did not highlight the complaints by asking for more information or digging in on what was wrong. They asked several times for the person to make “I want” statements that lead to clarifying the outcomes they really wanted.

An outcome statement declares what a person cares about, what they aspire to or dream about, and, very importantly, omits any reference to the problem.

There is no greater joy as a coach than to partner with others as they move from focusing on what they don’t want and to clarifying outcomes they truly desire.

Until next time, here’s to the Creator in you.Donna