The Hard Wall of Judgment
Of the many people I’ve talked with over the last two decades—through professional coaching relationships and through teaching The Empowerment Dynamic (TED*) —the number one complaint I hear people make about themselves…
Of the many people I’ve talked with over the last two decades—through professional coaching relationships and through teaching The Empowerment Dynamic (TED*)—the number one complaint I hear people make about themselves is this: “I wish I could stop being so judgmental.”It’s gotten me thinking about why we humans have such a strong judging mechanism built into our patterning.
I see the habit in myself, too. Not long ago I was standing in a grocery line and noticed the woman in front of me. My eyes landed on her blouse and, almost instantly, I heard a thought: “I don’t like that blouse. I can’t believe she’s wearing it.”I caught the judgment almost as soon as it formed, and then, I judged myself for having it. So what’s going on in us that we default to judging?
Part of it runs deep in our evolutionary wiring. Our ancestors survived by making quick assessments: Is this plant poisonous? Is that stranger a threat? Can I trust someone with my shelter or food? Rapid discernment kept people alive.
But modern judgment does more than protect us from immediate danger. It’s also an attempt by the ego-reactive mind to create order in an uncertain universe. By labeling experiences as good or bad, people as trustworthy or suspicious, choices as right or wrong, we build a mental framework that makes life feel more predictable—even when it isn’t.
Judgment also gives us closure. It lets us stop wrestling with ambiguity and move on. Even harsh self-judgment can feel safer than self-acceptance: if I’m critiquing myself, I maintain the illusion that I’m in control, and there’s nothing that our minds want more than the feeling of being in control. And what is it trying to control? Fear.
So, at its core, judgment is usually fear. Fear that we won’t understand. Fear that we won’t measure up. Fear that we might become victims of circumstances we can’t control.
So, we judge in an attempt to control, but there’s a cost.
Those early messages we absorbed about who we should be, how we should perform, what it means to be “enough” become seeds for our insecure ego. Over time we keep watering them through self-judgment. We hold ourselves to standards that are impossible to meet. We measure, compare, evaluate, and criticize—often subtly, often unconsciously. And when we don’t hit the mark, we turn on ourselves.
This is how the hard wall of judgment gets built.
It may look like we’re judging others, but the wall is thickest and tallest within. And when we live behind that wall, we inevitably project outward. The judgments we make about ourselves quietly become the judgments we make about other people, situations, and life itself.
From the lens of TED*, judgment often signals a slide into the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). When we judge ourselves harshly, we slip into Victim consciousness—a Victim to our own Persecuting judgements about ourselves. Even Rescuing can carry judgment, cloaked as “I know better.”Judgment assigns value—good or bad, right or wrong, acceptable or unacceptable. I’ve discovered that if I can stay present to observing instead of crossing over to judging I’m a much more pleasant person to be around. Perception notices without condemning. It says, “Something just shifted,” not “Something is wrong.” I confuse the two all the time.
Back to that grocery line. What if, instead of judging the blouse, I simply noticed it? “That blouse isn’t my style.” And then—if I’m willing—another question might follow: What about that triggered something in me? What story am I telling, and what is it protecting me from feeling?
This is where the shift begins: with self-compassion as well as compassion for the built-in human judgment mechanism. Self-love brings us back to Creator. It allows us to learn to simply observe rather than blame or judge, to tell the truth without making ourselves or others wrong.
And because it’s Valentine’s week, it feels especially fitting to invite you into a loving relationship with yourself as one of the most powerful antidotes to the hard wall of judgment.
This week, instead of asking how well you’re doing, try asking how kindly you’re treating yourself. When you notice judgment—of yourself or others—pause. Soften. Get curious. Let the judgment become an invitation to self-reflection rather than adding to the judgment cycle.
Because judgment keeps the “war within” alive (Read last week's blog Ending the War Within). It divides us against ourselves. It keeps us striving, defending, proving, and correcting—rather than allowing us to rest in our Creator essence.
If you were to drop self-judgment, even temporarily, you would feel more peace. More freedom. More contentment. The wall would begin to soften.
The question isn’t whether you are judging. The question is what you do next. Will you reinforce the wall—or will you choose a small act of self-love that lowers it, brick by brick?
Because the moment the wall of judgment comes down, even a little, love has room to breathe.
And that may be the most meaningful Valentine’s gift you give yourself and those you love.
Until next time,Here’s to the Creator in you,DonnaDo you want to take a deeper dive? Check out the opportunities below to learn more about The Power of TED* and to connect with other Creators like you!
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