Working with Someone Caught in Victim Thinking
Working with people stuck in the Victim role can be exhausting and infuriating. When they have a problem, their thinking defaults to who or what is to blame rather than realizing that they have power to choose their…
Working with people stuck in the Victim role can be exhausting and infuriating. When they have a problem, their thinking defaults to who or what is to blame rather than realizing that they have power to choose their response to the situation. They cope with life by believing there is an outside force that prevents them from taking responsibility for their own life.
We are not writing about being truly victimized by a tragic event or situation. We are referring to an attitude or outlook that determines a person’s response to a situation, another person, or an event. This approach to life leads to the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) and its roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer.
The good news is that you can greatly influence someone to grow beyond their Victim thinking. However, sooner or later, you must face the fact that you cannot “make” someone change. For the person who is really caught, here are a few suggestions that will help influence them.Drop the Victim LabelIf you put others in the “Victim box,” whatever they say you may hear as evidence of their Victim thinking. To connect with this person, stop being overly virtuous about how they are “such a Victim” and you aren’t. Why? Because every human being, at some point or another, has experienced feeling like a Victim.
Instead, shift how you see them. They are Creators in their own right, whether they act like it or know it themselves. If you can believe—and really know—that their true essence is that of a Creator, you will start treating them differently and encourage them to also realize it for themselves.Connect Rather Than ColludeTelling someone how you’ve overcome your Victim thinking probably won’t inspire them, especially if your intention is to look good or superior. This approach will sound like you want to be “one up”, trying to amplify your story more than listen and connect with them. Let them know you understand their feelings and complaints without being self-referential. Suggestions might be:“That must be difficult.”“I understand your frustration.”“I hear what you are saying about…(fill in the blank).”Listen for Their CommitmentWhat possibility has this person given up on? Ask: “What do you really care about?” They may not tell you at first because they may not know! Being caught in the Victim mindset means they may have experienced life through the lens of what they don’t want, rather than what they do want. They simply are not conscious of what they really care about. They only focus on what’s wrong and what they don’t like.Support ActionDon’t give advice. When a person is planted in the Victim role, they may want you to be a Rescuer and are looking for evidence of how you are going to fix their situation.
Instead, ask them to identify one baby step they can take. Be patient. Once they select an action step, work with them. Set a time to talk again and make sure you keep that commitment. It will show them you care, while increasing the chance they will follow through. You can encourage accountability with an occasional check-in, while always leaving the power with them to take responsibility for their actions.We All Need Support from Time-to-TimeTransforming Victim thinking is a journey and takes a lot of patience. Connect with them because you really want to support that person—not judge or fix them. You, too, may someday need the same support. We all move through Victim thinking from time-to-time. Generously practice how you hope others will support you when you get caught in Victim thinking.
When we support one another as Creators we nurture empowered and co-creative relationships.