Repair, Repair, Repair
Ways to create and sustain positive relationships.
Human beings are wired to connect and have a natural desire to be in positive relationships. But relationships are not always easy. Our focus here, at the Center for The Empowerment Dynamic, is to share ways to create and sustain positive relationships.
I recalled recently a conversation with someone whom I have known for many years and who has become a close friend. During our conversation, she reminded me of an incident that happened a long time ago—something that I had said that hurt her feelings. She told me she didn’t remember the details of why her feelings were hurt, she only remembered how I responded when she sent me an email telling me about how she was feeling.
She wrote:
“After I wrote you an email about what you said and how I felt, you picked up the phone and called me, which was totally unexpected since it wasn’t our usual time to talk. What I’ve never forgotten is your genuine desire to listen and repair the misunderstanding. I let go of the hurt and it didn’t stay with me because the relationship was repaired.”
She still reminds me that she learned from that experience that the best way to build lasting and trusting relationships is to ‘repair, repair, repair.’
In her email she became a Challenger to me, clearly communicating that something I had said landed as a Persecutor to her. As we talked and I recalled more details about the incident, I do remember that I did not reach out to her from the Rescuer role, just trying to make her feel better. If I had, my intention would have been to say or do something, anything, to make her feel better and smooth over hurt feelings at all costs. Rather, my intention was to listen and understand.
I don’t want to be overly boastful here. I don’t really remember many details about the conversation, but I do know we were good friends and trusted each other. My hunch is I focused on that trust which supported my desire to reach out and listen rather than a superficial smoothing over.
If an argument or misunderstanding happens, a genuine desire to repair the relationship is essential. It requires moving past determining who is to blame or the need to be right.
There are times when a relationship is toxic, and it is best to move on and focus on relationships that nurture your soul. But that was not the case in this situation. The focus was for me to take responsibility for something that I had said, listen, and understand her experience. I recall that after she shared her experience, I clearly could have been more skillful in the first place.
But here’s the thing. No matter how much you want to repair a hurt, you cannot guarantee how your desire to repair will be received by the other. All you can do is approach the repair with clear intention and authentic desire to listen and own your part.
Before approaching someone, if I feel tension or if there’s been a misunderstanding, there are two questions I ask myself:
1. Is my intent to repair genuine, or do I feel I “should” repair? This question requires radical honesty. Sometimes I want the appearance of a repair, rather than a genuine desire. If so, I’ve learned to reflect upon my motivations and not go forward until I can sincerely understand my motivations.
2. What was my contribution to the breakdown? If my desire to repair is authentic, it is much easier to take responsibility for my role in the disagreement. When my focus is on repairing the relationship, the pull to judge or blame diminishes.
Reconciliation is smoother when people focus less on who is right and more on the desire to repair, repair, repair. By repairing, you can choose to refocus on the relationship as Co-Creators. With this repair practice, relationship breakdowns, whether at work or home, are an opportunity to heal and sow the seeds for an even longer and more positive relationship.
Until next time, here’s to the Creator in you.
Donna
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