My Favorite TED* Tool

TED* Team · July 11, 2025

How Naming 5 Red Things Can Get You Out of the Drama Triangle

Growth in any area of life begins with awareness, and few moments demand our awareness more than the instant we feel ourselves slipping into the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). I am often asked in workshops and coaching classes, “How do I get out of the DDT once I know I’m in it?” There is no one-size-fits-all prescription because each nervous system is unique, and every situation has its own nuance. Yet there are simple practices that can shift you from reactivity back to choice in a heartbeat. One of my favorites is called: “Naming 5 Red Things.”Our bodies notice a stress response before our mind takes note. The human nervous system is wired to scan the environment, day and night, for anything that might harm us. When it detects danger—real or imagined—it flips on the stress circuitry of the limbic brain. Heart rate spikes, muscles tense and thinking narrows to fight-flight-freeze responses.

There’s an automatic cascade of stress hormones which is brilliant when an actual lion is chasing us, yet far less helpful when we’re facing a demanding e-mail, a moody teenager, or a difficult team meeting. The same biology pulls us into the DDT roles of Victim (“Why is this happening to me!”), Persecutor (“I must fight back and take control!”), or Rescuer (“I’ll fix this for everyone!”). If we don’t intervene, that cascade can hijack our capacity to choose a wiser response.

The good news is that the impediment to more empowered living is also an occasion to retrain the mind. The struggle itself can be an opportunity to build new wiring if we are able to redirect our focus away from what we have judged as a threat. By engaging a different part of the brain—the prefrontal cortex—we soften the alarm bells, reboot our intelligence, and invite our Creator essence to emerge stronger and more capable.

One consistent recommendation in TED* (The Empowerment Dynamic) workshops is to pause. Pausing interrupts the stress response long enough to pick a more resourceful path. Yet in the heat of the moment, simply telling ourselves to “calm down” rarely works. Our body needs something concrete to do.

That’s where Naming 5 Red Things comes in. As soon as you pause then look around the room to search for color and count to five, your attention shifts away from the reactive limbic system to a more logical regions of the brain. Within seconds, heart rate settles, muscles soften, and perspective widens.

After one workshop and sharing the Name 5 Red Things tool, a participant sent this email describing how the exercise helped her son (and her family) to get out of the DDT:Last night, my sweet four-year-old son became angry and went to hit his sister. In the moment I said, “Hey, guess what I learned today?!?”. He froze in his tracks and said, “What," with a sneer.“I learned that whenever I feel angry and feel so much energy in my body that I want to hit something or someone, I say PAUSE! I then look around the room and find FIVE red things. Do you want to try?”“Yes!” he said.

He proceeded to find five red things, giving his full attention on the hunt and naming the objects he found.

Now calmed down, he asked with a smile, “Mama, can we do this EVERY time?”“Of course.”This moment, historically, would have resulted in a fight between his sister, our son heading to a timeout, throwing things in his room and yelling at us to shut up. My husband getting mad, and then me getting mad at him for getting mad at our son. Basically, the DDT family style.

Instead it was five seconds, love fully restored, and cuddles commenced on the couch.

I am full of love, gratitude and excitement for this work and especially the 5 Red Things exercise. Thank you! Stories like this remind me that the shift from DDT to TED* can be instantaneous when we help the body feel safe enough to retrain the mind away from threats toward a more effective response. Because pausing and naming colors does more than calm the nerves; it creates space for something new to emerge. The external facts may not change, but our relationship to them does. That relationship—rooted in clarity, compassion, and choice—is the heart of TED* work.

The next time your pulse races and that familiar DDT script starts rolling, pause. Let your eyes wander and take a few seconds to look around and slowly count. “Red mug… red pen… red logo… red sweater… red folder.” Feel the nervous system exhale. Then sincerely ask yourself:Now that I’m calmer, what is a more effective response to this situation?In that moment you reclaim your greatest power: the ability to choose your response. One color, five items at a time. Simple, memorable, and—like all great TED* Tools—profoundly empowering.