Recovery from “Eager-to-Please” Syndrome
Recovering from the “eager-to-please” syndrome that is deeply rooted in the Rescuer role of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT), can be a challenge.
When being the Rescuer is your “go to” role in the DDT, you easily take on being helpful and pleasing to others as a self-identify. Your focus is on the needs of others, rather than your needs, which may cause you to neglect your legitimate needs and responsibilities.
By being overly focused on others, you tell yourself that you are just being kind. However, underneath that you may unconsciously be seeing the other as incapable of handling their own affairs. If you are stuck in the “eager-to-please” syndrome, you also hope that you will be loved for your helpful ways.
This way of relating to others disempowers them from taking responsibility for their own needs. Even if you don’t like the way others take care of their business, or the pace at which they are doing it, it is still their responsibility.
When you let go of the illusion that pleasing others will create the change you want in the other – and get the love and recognition you want for yourself – you are on a new path toward taking care of yourself and what is yours to do.
If you identify with the syndrome, you may already know the negative effects of being a “serial Rescuer.” Here are a few:
- You may think you are helping, but others may see you as intrusive and even as a Persecutor.
- You eventually feel like a Victim when your helpful ways are snubbed, and you don’t get the love and appreciation you want.
- Others don’t want to hurt your feelings, so you rarely get honest feedback that could support your growth.
- A craving for approval and feeling worthy can’t be satisfied by others, creating a chronic feeling of not enough.
It isn’t easy to tell yourself the truth about the negative effects of being the Rescuer because you say to yourself: “I am a helper, and this is who I am.” This is the story Rescuers tell themselves that keeps them stuck in the DDT.
Shifting into TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)® offers another way to relate to yourself and life. It is possible to update your belief system and understand that you can still support others as Co-Creators. Here are a few recovery steps so you can make that shift happen:
- Learn to ask for help or support. Most Rescuers have a tough time asking for support. The purpose is not to ask others to rescue you. Instead, learning to ask for support is an important step on your recovery journey.
- Understand the importance of self-care, not as a journey or something to cross off your “to-do” list. It is, instead, a daily practice of acknowledging your needs and creating a clear intention to support and love yourself. This interrupts your constant focus on others.
- Learn to shift roles from Rescuer to Coach by asking more questions of others, rather than assuming you know what they want and need. Here’s two: “Given the situation, how do you choose to respond?” or “What is one thing you could do to move toward what you want?”
- Hold the silence, so others have time to gain insight into their needs and responsibilities. Learning to be comfortable with silence will set you on the path of recovery.
Most people want to be helpful, and in turn, receive appreciation for their good deeds. This desire, if overused, may push you into the “eager-to-please” syndrome. Self-care, learning to hold the silence, and making the shift to Coach will transform the syndrome into being an empowering support to others.